Trivial Pursuit? No, sir, I believe this is quite a serious matter.

Gather a group of your friends (preferably second stringers..you don't want to rob your good friends blind) and pull out a box of Trivial Pursuit cards. Challenge the squad to a friendly but potentially lucrative game of T.P. Don't appear too hasty or your plot will be foiled. Plot? Oh yes, I have gotten ahead of myself...


MAD LOOT VIA TRIVIAL PURSUIT: A SIMPLE AND INFORMATIVE GUIDE TO THE INTELLECTUAL GRAVY TRAIN



You may be slightly hesitant to spend your valuable free time with a pack of hyped up flash cards, and you may even have unpleasant memories of this game from childhood, as most of the questions are from an era before your time...but, believe me, this past time is an enjoyable and profitable one... and heck, you may even surprise yourself with the bit of useless knowledge that you have garnered from many painful years of schooling. Don't be naive though, this "knowledge" that you possess has very little to do with your success at this exercise in quick response.

There are two names you need to know. Only two. I'll let you salvage some of your pride with a few guesses. Who could it be?

Marcus Allen? Excellent guess, but no.

Jim Jones? Nope.


I'll give you a hint or two.

One of these fine characters shares a birthday (August 29, 1958) with a one Mr. Lenny Henry. Who?!

The other was the first US president whose name contains all of the letters that form the word “criminal.”

Here they are! The stars of Trivial Pursuit!

Richard Millhouse Nixon!


and Michael Jackson!

Okay, now here are some routine questions so you can practice shouting out each of their names with a look of surprised realization:

Who was the best man at the Liza Minelli-David Guest wedding?



answer: Michael Jackson!

What ex-president missed the slab of pork while showing off his ax-wielding skills to a group of Moscow
butchers?

answer: Richard Nixon!

Who is the main character in the early 90's game, "Moonwalker"

answer: Michael Jackson!

Which president, who resigned from office in 1974, is known for putting ketchup on his cottage cheese?


answer: Richard Nixon!

Now here are some wild cards:


What state’s gourmets devour 3.6 cans of Spam per second, double the rate of the rest of the U.S.?



answer: Hawaii

What does Simon Wiesenthal hunt?



answer: fugitive Nazis. egggcellent.

Now that I have supplied you with the tools for success, you just need to get out there sporto, and bring back some bacon. At five billz a game, you could be pulling out of your parent's driveway in a sweet new-to-you 83' Honda Civic in no time at all!


and now for some celebratory Magazine 60!

C'est Parfait !

In this happy valley, I am surrounded by multitudes of other 18-20-somethings that appear to share a common feeling of ambivalence. After long hours of dazed coffee-shop observation, I have decisively concluded that I am not alone in my quest for self-discernment. It is my opinion that one can not direct themselves in any which way if they can't at least imagine some sort of goal or situation that would please them. Well, as of Sunday, March 11, 2007, I have gained the ability to chronicle my perfect day. le sigh.

12:15 p.m.


I smile, yawn and stretch as I awake to beautiful sunshine and blue skies sifting in through my off-white draperies. In the corner of my decoratively cluttered and haphazard room I see my effortlessly healthy umbrella palm move slightly in the warm breeze that is passing through the room.
I put on my light linen robe and step out onto my balcony overlooking a beautiful viridian canopy. I pour myself a cup of jasmine green tea and sink into my perfectly worn-in chair.


1:30 p.m.

I dress and stroll out onto my front patio where my light blue helmet is resting on the table.

I put it under my arm and set off to meet my best friend, Ashley Paul, who is waiting patiently at our favorite cafe.

I have another cup of tea; this time I opt for Earl Grey with a tea-spoon of sugar. We discuss the ills and misfortunes of society, including Grigory Rasputin's undeserved reputation, the lack of tawdry historical fiction in bookshelves around the country, and, of course,hippies.


3:00 p.m.

Between the after-lunch break and 11:00 p.m., I complete 40 pages of my future best-selling autobiography, which is later turned into a video that plays on VH1: Movies that Rock
After pulling my new work out of my trusty old Underwood,we hit up the discotheques around the block.


4:45 a.m.

The epic dance moves look like they will never come to an end...until a wild candy raver pulls the fire alarm. We turn in at 5:00 a.m. and slip into a state of legendary unconsciousness.

Twas the perfect day, indeed.