Wednesday, January 21, 2009


Welcome to... durty ELLL---OOO--EELLLL
meet my mademoiselle
hussy wit no white blood cells
she's handin over green,
i show her my love machine
she says T-Bagz, "you sooo munnny"
a Godiva blanco easta bunny
boppin bitches on the head
fuck wit bby lambchop bang-- ya dead
cruisin down the street
gettin distracted mid skeet skeet
pull ova cuz the sheet
in ma trunk don like his suite
starts to beat on the seat,
jumps out like trick or treat
see i'm bendin ova low
cuz fuck we passed the po
he's pissin on the leather
but his legs are taped togetha
kick that bitch out the back
now the po9's trippin sack
cuz he knows im sellin smack
gotta hit the gas
while my lil piece of ass
finds my center of mass
LPD turns on his lights
while i'm reachin down ha tightz
oh durty L--O--L
mo of a heaven than a hell

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Epistle Whipped off of the album Da Libel Bible

Gotttta realize. I write dez mad rhymes fo a reason
Won't hear'm from ma lips cuz in da hood that's called treason
And biddies know I won't take dat chance
I type on ma board n i get in a trance
The beats in ma head the beast in ma threads
No slander, just libel
Got my eye on da FEDS
I'm a ruthless assasin but i got a pure heart
Won't pull tha triggah unless y'all give me a start
N I seen a lotta shit in ma 21 years
Ya, I'm a burgla, we all got carreers
But i neva been charged wit no B&E
Just an open door n i take what i see
So you'll see ma slug in da editing room
Can't get nuthin on me,been D.P.G. from da womb
Backspace Backspace I change da names
N you'll see it in print, i aint playin no games
Spit da truth like some suckah tryin'ta run from skid row
While ya up in yo crib wit some pimp coochie ho
Just know as I drop dat I'm a selfless poet
N if you fuck wit a playa, beez you betta know it
I'll pen yo Miss Demeana n I'll wrap it up nice
But you n I know, this shit don't happen twice

Thursday, September 27, 2007

C-list celebrity

this shit so fucking fly
de-fy gravity i got a cavity
from them beats so soft n sweet
it's like a chocolate tree
it made a man of me
and you cant hannndle me
makin so much green
on that admission fee
suckas still rappin at Cannobie
busted bitches hatin rides like,"i just wanna sightsee"
while the betties in da back o'ma cadillac
like i'm a heart attack n you cant look back
yo shits so fuckn whack, it's like coke to crack
you think you blow the snow, but dat shits yel--low
we were toe-to-toe in this variety show
then i ripped ya bitch crocs wit ma stil-let-os
it made a man of me
and you cant hannndle me
you're like a manatee
and i'm the caspian sea
biddies in ma hood know im a killa bee
hate on fuckin strawberry
to the highest degree
these hits so na-ha-ha-sty
wrapped under the christmas tree
pimp you just wanna be me

Monday, September 24, 2007

HA-TALHI-YAZZIE the small singer

i used to think YAH-A-DA-HAL-YON-IH.
but then! gone! what a git
wait for it, and so i sit.
Fate throws me JISH-CHA
and this funny little devil
in his toils i spose i'll revel
so i sit a lil longer
and i ponder and i yawn-dur
not for the faint of heart
our movements, works of art
till i hear the word
from that little peppered bird
i scoff and i cough
i yell loudly, bugger off!
on a hunt for Navinchandra
where it's best to safely wander
into things and things knee deep
wondering if it's mine to keep
or for trade, 3 cards for 1
i won't sleep until it's done!
what's that over there?
do i dare?
who do i see?
a reflection; it's just me!
smiling and lookin fine
and my doctor's sippin wine!
but tomorrow
where will i be?
not like Wilde, in a tree?
i'm sure you'll all agree
(and you don't need your degree)
to understand
that you shouldn't land
or even fence
unless you are quite dense!
a Viola tricolor hortensis:
who's achieved a national consensus
for the best molassis kisses
reserved only for his missus
i fear a fellow too mellow
or a daisy of velvety yellow
because the fall will always come
and you're back to the principal sum
plus or minus a bottle of rum

Tuesday, May 1, 2007


S'mesters windin down
papers stackin up
sixty dollah bagz
system's so corrup'
j-funk up da gut
no billz, i'm in a rut
fuckin ballz
i own deez halls
blow sum K, smoke a J
roll it up n' hit dat hay
Momz please, support ma steez
fo da Yay in may
hoez on they knees
ass is signed
"Yours truly,
John Marwood Cleese"
luv you always,
yo crack-baby T-Freeze (Benjamins plz)

Tryin to tin
Tryin to tin a
Pin up like dat Doogie Howsa
Wanna get up in his trouza
Not enough pre meds on campus
Up in herr, Im like a prayin mantis
They smokin too much danky dank
tryin ta dodge the daily shank
studyin up them ninety cent words
Im just tryin to tin dem smart, fly birds

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Trivial Pursuit? No, sir, I believe this is quite a serious matter.

Gather a group of your friends (preferably second don't want to rob your good friends blind) and pull out a box of Trivial Pursuit cards. Challenge the squad to a friendly but potentially lucrative game of T.P. Don't appear too hasty or your plot will be foiled. Plot? Oh yes, I have gotten ahead of myself...


You may be slightly hesitant to spend your valuable free time with a pack of hyped up flash cards, and you may even have unpleasant memories of this game from childhood, as most of the questions are from an era before your time...but, believe me, this past time is an enjoyable and profitable one... and heck, you may even surprise yourself with the bit of useless knowledge that you have garnered from many painful years of schooling. Don't be naive though, this "knowledge" that you possess has very little to do with your success at this exercise in quick response.

There are two names you need to know. Only two. I'll let you salvage some of your pride with a few guesses. Who could it be?

Marcus Allen? Excellent guess, but no.

Jim Jones? Nope.

I'll give you a hint or two.

One of these fine characters shares a birthday (August 29, 1958) with a one Mr. Lenny Henry. Who?!

The other was the first US president whose name contains all of the letters that form the word “criminal.”

Here they are! The stars of Trivial Pursuit!

Richard Millhouse Nixon!

and Michael Jackson!

Okay, now here are some routine questions so you can practice shouting out each of their names with a look of surprised realization:

Who was the best man at the Liza Minelli-David Guest wedding?

answer: Michael Jackson!

What ex-president missed the slab of pork while showing off his ax-wielding skills to a group of Moscow

answer: Richard Nixon!

Who is the main character in the early 90's game, "Moonwalker"

answer: Michael Jackson!

Which president, who resigned from office in 1974, is known for putting ketchup on his cottage cheese?

answer: Richard Nixon!

Now here are some wild cards:

What state’s gourmets devour 3.6 cans of Spam per second, double the rate of the rest of the U.S.?

answer: Hawaii

What does Simon Wiesenthal hunt?

answer: fugitive Nazis. egggcellent.

Now that I have supplied you with the tools for success, you just need to get out there sporto, and bring back some bacon. At five billz a game, you could be pulling out of your parent's driveway in a sweet new-to-you 83' Honda Civic in no time at all!

and now for some celebratory Magazine 60!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

C'est Parfait !

In this happy valley, I am surrounded by multitudes of other 18-20-somethings that appear to share a common feeling of ambivalence. After long hours of dazed coffee-shop observation, I have decisively concluded that I am not alone in my quest for self-discernment. It is my opinion that one can not direct themselves in any which way if they can't at least imagine some sort of goal or situation that would please them. Well, as of Sunday, March 11, 2007, I have gained the ability to chronicle my perfect day. le sigh.

12:15 p.m.

I smile, yawn and stretch as I awake to beautiful sunshine and blue skies sifting in through my off-white draperies. In the corner of my decoratively cluttered and haphazard room I see my effortlessly healthy umbrella palm move slightly in the warm breeze that is passing through the room.
I put on my light linen robe and step out onto my balcony overlooking a beautiful viridian canopy. I pour myself a cup of jasmine green tea and sink into my perfectly worn-in chair.

1:30 p.m.

I dress and stroll out onto my front patio where my light blue helmet is resting on the table.

I put it under my arm and set off to meet my best friend, Ashley Paul, who is waiting patiently at our favorite cafe.

I have another cup of tea; this time I opt for Earl Grey with a tea-spoon of sugar. We discuss the ills and misfortunes of society, including Grigory Rasputin's undeserved reputation, the lack of tawdry historical fiction in bookshelves around the country, and, of course,hippies.

3:00 p.m.

Between the after-lunch break and 11:00 p.m., I complete 40 pages of my future best-selling autobiography, which is later turned into a video that plays on VH1: Movies that Rock
After pulling my new work out of my trusty old Underwood,we hit up the discotheques around the block.

4:45 a.m.

The epic dance moves look like they will never come to an end...until a wild candy raver pulls the fire alarm. We turn in at 5:00 a.m. and slip into a state of legendary unconsciousness.

Twas the perfect day, indeed.